


State of Our Affairs

by lexiegrcys



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2018-01-22
Packaged: 2019-03-08 02:08:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 18,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13448283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lexiegrcys/pseuds/lexiegrcys
Summary: Mark is about to get married... to Julia. Will Lexie try to get him back or is it time for her to let go?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Set a few months after 8x21. Everything that happens 8x22 and beyond never happened. (Lexie’s declaration of love and plane crash)

June fifteenth.

Today is June fifteenth. It was that day. The day Lexie has been dreading for months, the day she wishes the calendar would just skip, the day she knew she would have to face the inevitable. She got up from bed and looked at her calendar. There it was. The little note she made right in the little box designated for whatever reminder she needed for that day staring right back at her.

_June 15 — The end._

She had a plan for today. She did. But thinking of what she will be, and what he will be, at the end of today made her sick to her stomach. She sighed as she grabbed her towel and walked to the bathroom, getting ready for what will be the longest and worst day of her life.

—

"I always thought it would be different, you know."

Mark looked at Derek and scoffed. He's getting married today. Five years ago, if he was asked what he sees himself to be in the future, he'd say he'll still be the same. Surgeon, single, having fun. Settling down wasn't in any of his plans. But then again, Julia wasn't either.

_He met her in the most unexpected time, in the middle of a storm. It was the biggest storm in Seattle for the year, and he was drenched. Between running from the supermarket to his apartment building and carrying bags and bags of groceries, he had too much on his hands, literally and figuratively. That's why he was more than frustrated when he suddenly bumped into a brick wall (or was it a person?) and they both fell on the wet ground, his groceries scattering everywhere._

_"Oh my goodness! I'm— I'm so sorry!" The girl on the ground beside him said, as she scrambled to sit up. Her auburn hair was soaked, her blue eyes looking right at Mark, concerned. "Are you okay?"_

_Mark slowly sat up and gave her a little smile. "Yeah. I'm sorry, by the way. I wasn't looking." He started picking up the cans that fell out of his plastic bags and putting them back in and she did the same._

_"Ah, I'm sure." she smiled and stole a glance at his face. "But maybe you could make it up to me? Um, with coffee?"_

_He looked at her and studied her face for a second before he wasn't able to stop himself from smiling and he held his free hand out for her to shake. "I'm Mark."_

_"Julia." She shook his hand and bit her lip. God, he's beautiful. "So, Mark, is that a yes?"_

_They both stood up as Mark gathered his groceries and Julia picked up her umbrella from the ground and put it over both of their heads._

_"Lead the way."_

—

Derek looked at Mark, and shakes his head, amused, as his best friend appeared to be spacing out again. The days leading up to this wedding, his mind was always somewhere else, looking at something and nothing at the same time, and Derek knew what it was. He put his hand on his friend's shoulder, bringing him back to the present.

"It's funny. Meredith and I always thought it would be you and Lexie."

Mark avoided Derek's eyes as he tried (and failed) to laugh it off and looked at himself in the mirror, fixing his collar. "Why?"

Derek looked at his friend, and his mind flashed back to the numerous times Lexie talked to him about Mark. He knows it's wrong to do this, but she's his sister and he cares for her. And perhaps this is the last chance he has to advocate for her. "I don't know. There was something. How she changed you, made you better. Before Lexie, you were a joke." He chuckled. "Then she happened, and you did a 180. You guys always broke up and always came back to each other. It went on for three years, Mark. Everyone knew. Even Addison. She said you were different. Good different. And even apart, you're the kind of couple who is still a couple even when you're not. It was... really something."

Mark stopped in his tracks and sighed. His face was unreadable. He sat on a chair and looked defeated, suddenly remembering everything. Derek was right. It was something. It was more than just something. Lexie made him feel again. Happiness, jealousy, love... heartbreak. Everything was magnified with her. And it was good. But it was also over. They tried, twice. To make it work, to pick up where they left off, and the same reason that tore them apart, came back to bite them in the ass.

He turned to face his best friend, the rims of his eyes a bit red and started speaking again. "Can I tell you a secret?" He smiled a little and looked down at his hands. "I thought it would be me and Lexie too."

—

"Lexie! Come on! The wedding starts in an hour! We need to leave NOW!"

Nothing.

"Lex?"

Still nothing.

"LEXIE!"

Meredith stomps up the stairs and barges into her sister's room, only to find it empty, Lexie nowhere to be found. What baffles Meredith though is the fact that the closets are wide open... all her clothes are gone, except for a note left on the bed. What the hell?!

She sat on the bed and started reading the note, as fast as she could, hoping her sister hasn't gone far yet. Tears were starting to leave her eyes, disbelieving. "No no no no."

_Mer —_

_I'm sorry. I can't do this. There is nothing left for me here in Seattle, no one to turn to. You're moving to Boston, Mark's getting married, and my life is at a standstill. I need a change of pace, a new beginning, and I will never get that here._

_Thank you. For everything. You've been a great sister. I hope I see you again soon. But just in case not, hug Derek and Zo for me. I love you._


	2. Chapter 2

Derek frowned as the rain started going at it outside. The strong howling of the wind could be heard even inside the room. This morning's weather forecast definitely did not say that this was going to happen. With brows knit tightly together, he looked at his best friend, the groom, and said, "You still wanna go through with this? This doesn't seem like the best time for a garden wedding."

Mark chuckled. "Oh, ye of little faith. This is exactly how hard it rained when Julia and I met. This is a good sign." He stood up and checked himself out in the mirror again, and muttered an _I look great_ for the 50th time.

Derek rolled his eyes and pat Mark's shoulder before walking to the door. "I'm gonna go check on everything. Make sure the chairs are still on the ground."

After Derek left, Mark just stood in front of the mirror, staring at his reflection, as he felt the bile rise to his throat. _Is this how it usually feels before people get married?_ He swallowed down the sick feeling and took a deep breath, only to find his breath caught in his throat again when he saw her in the mirror, leaning by the doorway, and looking at him. He slowly turned around to face her.

And there she was, looking straight at him. It doesn't matter how big the distance between them was. Five meters, a foot, even when they are touching, she still knocks the wind right out of him. She was wearing the same clothes she did when he won her back, almost a year and a half ago. Good memories came flooding back into him... and so did the pain.

"You look great," Lexie said as she managed a sad smile. It was true. He was all dressed up, ready to walk the aisle. They stood there in silence, drinking each other in, adjusting to being around the other, before they take another step. It was always like this with them. Careful, calculated. After everything they've been through, they have learned that it was always easier to take things slowly so as to not repel each other.

Lexie came closer and put her hands on her pockets, afraid he'll see how much they're shaking. But he knows. He always knows. She stops just a few feet away from him, making sure she puts just enough distance for her not to be reeled in again. He's made his choice. And for the second time, it wasn't her.

"I just..." she sighed. "I wanted to say that, um, I— I'm leaving. For good. And I can't attend your wedding. My flight's in two hours and I really need to go. Um, I think. So, yeah. Congratulations. I'm uh, really happy for you."

Mark just looked at her, stunned, still trying to take in what is happening right in front of him, not knowing what to do. Lexie took that as a response and started walking back to the door. _Maybe this is what's best, maybe it's better that he doesn't say anything and just let you go. Maybe this will help you in the long run..._

_...But it won't._

She turned around and faced him again, angry tears forming at her eyes, making it hard for her to see him clearly, and all he is is a big blob of black and white, until the tears started to spill out.

"I don't know what I'm doing here. What I wanted to do here. All I know is that I should see you before I leave and apologize. So I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry I didn't try harder or fight more, I'm sorry I bailed on you, I'm sorry. But I love you. I love you so much it hurts. And I— I've tried for months and months to stop, to let you go, but I— I can't. I can't watch you build a life with another woman when we started building one three years ago... do you remember? Under the covers, I—" she wiped the tears with her shaky hand, wanting to see recognition in his face. Just a small hint of him remembering, and there it was. "You said you'll build me a house, just beside Meredith and Derek's. Sundays with Callie and Arizona. Three kids. Two boys and a girl. What— what happened to that?"

He was speechless, his voice nowhere to be found and he just stared at Lexie with eyes wide, the rain falling on his face. _Wait, what?_ He looked up and touched his cheek. Tears. He was crying.

He remembered it. Everything. The way her lips curled up into a warm smile, or the way she snuggled closer to him, as they fantasized about their future. But that was all it was. It took him a while to accept that fact that it is now what it always has been — a fantasy.

"I— I know I'm not being completely fair here, and I'm probably too late, but I love you. I want you and I'm fighting now. It's us, Mark. It's always been us. You. Me. Mark and Lexie. Everyone's... everyone knows except us. Do— do you know how crazy that is? That everyone sees us and knows, but we don't? I..."

Lexie sighed, looking at him expectantly, hoping for a response. Instead, almost out of impulse, he walks towards her and stopped when his mouth was inches away from hers. Her eyes were closed, panting, waiting for what was about to come. Mark held her face with both hands, his forehead on hers, and sighed. Finally, he kisses her forehead and wraps her in his arms tightly.

"I hope you get the life you deserve, wherever you're going. I hope you find someone who will treat you better than I ever did. I love you, Lex. It's always us, but I don't think that's enough anymore."

Lexie let out a sob and wrapped her arms around him tighter. This is it. This is really it. _June 15 - The end_. She almost laughed at how tragic this is. Her holding the love of her life for the last time, before he walks on the aisle and she hands him over to someone else. It almost feels surreal. Like a dream. She's losing him, and she has nothing else to do but to let go. She tightens her arms around him once more, as she realizes her greatest fear is happening.

After what felt like forever, she let him go and looked at his eyes for the last time. She tries to smile as she puts both hands on either sides of his face, trying to memorize every detail of his face, even though she knows she's already done that years ago. Slowly, she leaned in and gave him a peck on the lips.

When Mark opened his eyes, she was gone.


	3. Chapter 3

_Christmas eve, Seattle._

Life brought her back to the exact place she fleed from. _Lexie, it won't be that bad,_ her sister said _, Just for the holidays. Zo, Derek and I miss you._ It didn't sound so bad then. But now, everything felt different. The air, the weather, the people. Everything reminded her of why she left. Everything reminded her of _him_.

Ever since that day — June fifteenth — everything seemed more dull, out of life. It's almost as if losing him flipped a switch inside her. The colors weren't as bright, her smiles weren't as big, her overall persona was different. And not the good kind of different. Her friends in New York would always ask her what big tragedy happened in her life for her to be "looking so sad all the fucking time". Usually, Lexie would just flip them off and go back to sulking. Sulking, she does all the time, sure, but never crying. She promised herself she'd never cry over him again. _If he's happy, I could be happy too. Happier, even._ But all that flew out of the window that one night in August.

_That one night, just like every other night, she was in a bar drinking after her shift. But tonight was different. Tonight was his birthday. She was back to looking at old pictures of them — mostly him — that she took when they were together and he wasn't looking. Him laughing, his head thrown back and his eyes sparkling. Him cooking for her, wearing her pink apron with a cartoonized bikini body. Them looking at each other, smiling, while dancing at Izzie and Alex's wedding reception (which Meredith took). She laughed bitterly and locked her phone, as she signaled Mike the bartender for a drink. Better to come home shit-faced than sober, she'd told herself. She downed shot after shot of tequila (and without chaser now, impressing even herself), until someone came up to the other side of the bar, right at her eyeline._

_Blue-gray eyes, salt and pepper hair, his muscular arm wrapped around a beautiful girl with bright eyes with auburn hair._

_Lexie frowned at the couple in front of her, watched them as they kissed and flirted and danced, unaware of the pair of eyes watching them, merely a few meters away. Even in New York, she sees them at every turn. Shot. Shot. Shot. She downed all the tequila that came her way. (She's told Mike the bartender the very first day she walked into this bar, to make sure she's never without a tequila shot in hand.)_

_"Woah, Lexie. Slow down." Mike the bartender said and chuckled, watching the brunette in front him gulp down shot after shot, while he filled shot glass after shot glass._

_Finally, after what seems like forever, Lexie stood up from the stool, dropped cash on the table and started heading towards the door. Her feet were shaky and her mind was clouded, and she doesn't even think she remembers where home is._

_Maybe I'll surprise Mark tonight. Maybe I'll change his mind. She chuckled, and suddenly everyone was looking at her. Did I say that out loud? Oops. Did it again. Ha ha!_

_Two hours later, Lexie was sat on a curb, just outside her apartment. Sobbing. And laughing, at the same time. I must be going crazy, she thought. She touched her wet cheeks, realizing that this was the first time she cried since June fifteenth. For months, she never allowed herself to feel deeper than just a little pinch, a little pain. She's always pushed down the rest, afraid that if they come to the surface, she'll have to face the fact that this all wasn't just a dream, and this was her life. This IS her life. She sees that now. He's married to someone else, and she is here, drunk and alone and miserable. So she sat on the curb, her body wracking with her sobs, and finally let herself feel._

—

"Heeeeey, look who's finally here!"

Lexie ran into Derek's arms, lugging her bags behind her, her face stretching into the first genuine smile she's had in months. She loves him, her brother-in-law. He's always had her back with matters of the heart, and always supported her and he's unexpectedly became her shoulder to lean on.

"Merry Christmas!" she says happily, as she was transferred into her sister's arms. Meredith hugged her tightly, and pulled her into the kitchen of her new house, asking her to tell her everything about New York.

Lexie told Meredith and Derek everything about what she loves in New York, her interest in neuro, her upcoming boards and her new friends. Pretty much covered all her bases, all while purposely leaving out the parts where she's probably considered an alcoholic now, or the three dates she recently went out on with her neuro attending who looked just like _him_ , but just isn't quite _him_.

Meredith tried to look interested in the things she had to say, even though she really just couldn't wait to pull her sister into a corner and ask her how she really is. She knows Lexie. Probably not as much as _some people_ do, but she knows her better than most. And she is different. She was thinner, the bags under her eyes darker. Her sister shrugged it off as "always being put in the night shift", but in the four years she's worked with Lexie here, she never once looked this exhausted. She almost looked like a shell of her old self.

—

An hour before Christmas eve dinner with her old co-workers at Seattle Grace Mercy West, people were starting to arrive at Meredith's house. Jackson was here, arriving with April (whom he is dating now), Arizona hugged her upon sight, Callie gave her an awkward hug and Cristina arrived having downed a few drinks beforehand, drunkenly pulling Lexie in the middle of the living room to "shake that ass, Little Grey".

Lexie was relieved to see that everyone here was still the same, and she felt instantly at home again. She loved this place, truly. She always thought she would live in Seattle her whole life, grow old with these people — her friends.

"Hey Lex, I think someone's at the door. Could you get that?" Meredith said, trying to comfort a screaming and crying Zola in her arms. She nodded absently at her sister and ended her conversation with April as she hurried to the front door.

"Merry—"

Lexie almost gasped. Mark was standing in front of her, Sofia in one arm and a bottle of wine on the other. His big smile suddenly disappeared as he saw her face, and a flash of confusion registered in his eyes. "Hi."


	4. Chapter 4

 

Mark is sitting on the couch across the room, staring at _her_ , as he leans closer to Callie and whispers, "What is she doing here?"

Arizona softly nudges Callie and her wife rolls her eyes, taking Sofia from his lap. "It's her sister's Christmas eve dinner, of course she's here."

Mark ignores his friend's sarcasm and glares at her. "No. I mean, in Seattle."

It was no secret that he was still hung up on Lexie, even after everything. His life completely turned around the day of his wedding. Derek told him to go after her, while Callie knocked some sense (if that's what you'd call it) into him.

_Mark, let it go. Can't you see? It's a fucking cycle! With the two of you, it's a never ending cycle! It's good then it's horrible then you break up then you pine over each other for another year then it's good again then it's horrible again. It's depressing! You're happy now. Just let it go. Julia is good for you, I promise. She makes you happy. If you leave her now, I swear to god, Mark Sloan..._

And when he asked Arizona:

_You know, maybe Callie's right. Maybe that's why it never worked, because it's the universe telling you that it's wrong._

So he walked down that damned aisle.

—

"Yeah, okay. I uh, miss you too. Um, yeah. Bye." Lexie said and put down her phone on the grass beside her. It was Liam, the neuro attending she's been going out with. She took another drink of the beer in hand and lay down on the grass to look at the moon. The quiet and the freezing air in the backyard were better options to her compared to staying inside the house, with Mark just meters away from her.

"Mind if I join?" a raspy voice asked and she knew exactly who it was without looking. She didn't respond and instead kept her eyes on the moon.

She could feel him lie down beside her, their shoulders almost touching. He was so close she could smell his skin. She slowly turned her head to the side to look at him and study his features just as she did for the millionth time. Still the same. The six months haven't changed him much, but instead, the length of the time she spent not seeing him in the flesh, only made him more beautiful to her. She smiled a little. "So. How's, um... how are you?"

He opened his eyes at her voice and looked at her. "No need to be nervous around me, Lex." He chuckled. He knows her that well. Her little quirks, the little twitches in her face, the slight change in her tone. "It's just me." _I know you inside and out._

She looked back up at the moon and smiled at that. She missed him. Scratch that, she misses him. How are they always like this? They fall apart, in the heat of the moment, then they fall back together, when they can think clearly and they realize how much they miss the other. Well, not this time.

He cleared his throat. "Julia's good, if that's what you're asking. Happily married." He watches her as she nods slowly, taking in what he just said. He interlaces his fingers with hers, and tightens them when he felt her try to pull back. "To someone else."

Lexie instantly sat up and looked at Mark. "Wait what?" The edge of her mouth twitched a little, not being able to stop herself from smiling. She cleared her throat and tried to compose herself, thinking of how rude she must be right now to be smiling over something she mustn't have heard right. "I'm — I'm sorry, what?"

He laughed. She was never one who was able to stop her emotions from showing on her face. She was very expressive, and he always loved that. He loved that when they're in bed, making love, and her face is twisting in a hundred different emotions at once. He loved that even more afterwards, when they're spent and he's whispering sweet nothings in her ear. But he loved that the most when she tells him she loves him and her eyes sparkle so brightly, it takes his breath away.

"Her ex interrupted the wedding. And she chose him. I guess it really wasn't meant to be." He looked down at their fingers. "I tried to look for you after it was all over, but I didn't really know where you went off to so I had no idea where to start... And Meredith and Derek said they didn't know where you were so..."

"I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm smiling so much. I..." she laughed and tried to cover her mouth. He laughed along with her and for a while, they were just in a perfect bubble, just the two of them, until Lexie's phone started ringing on the ground.

She removed her hand from Mark's and mutters an excuse me as she stood up and walked a few steps away before answering her phone. "Liam? Hey. Um what? Wait, the phone service is really bad here."

Someone covered her eyes and she laughed a little. "Mark, stop." The hand was suddenly removed from her eyes and she turned around to playfully push him back but instead her mouth was wide open, disbelieving.

It wasn't Mark, but instead someone from her new life, smiling at her widely, despite looking so confused. "Who's Mark? It's Liam."

Lexie smiled, surprised, and hugged him. She was glad he was here... kind of... she thinks. Liam has always been into her more than she was into him, and it was evident ever since the first night they found themselves in the on-call room, and he brought her flowers the next day, thinking the sex made them a thing.

"See? What did I tell you?" Callie said as she walked up to her best friend, who was watching the little scene in front of him. "It's a fucking cycle."

Mark sighed sadly as he grabbed Callie's beer and downed the half-full contents in one swig.


	5. Chapter 5

_December 27th, Seattle._

It was a chilly morning when Lexie got out of her car and into Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital. She didn’t have anything to do today, and seeing as everyone she knows is working, she decided to pay them all a visit.

She rubs her hands together as she walks inside the elevator. So far, everything appears the same. She recognized a couple nurses, both of whom said hi to her.

The Christmas eve dinner was alot to handle for her. Mark apparently not being married, Liam showing up from nowhere. She needed time to think. Not only about her personal life, but also her career. Liam has been pressuring her into staying in New York for her fellowship, but Derek has also given her an offer. And who the hell would turn down the chance to learn under Derek Shepherd?

She moves further back into the elevator as it fills up, and Mark steps in. She was about to call his name when she sees him smiling and briefly putting his arm around the redhead beside him. Her brows furrow when she recognizes who it is — _Addison_.

——

“So, I didn’t know Mark and Addison were...”

Cristina sets her tray down on the table and looks at Lexie, appalled at how the younger Grey is talking to her (of all people!) about this. Meredith was still in the lunch line and she was thinking of just bolting. She watches as Lexie has her eyes fixed on Mark and Addison a few tables away.

“Why do you care? You’re with Leon.”

“ _Liam_.”

“Whatever.”

Lexie sighs, and stuffs a chip into her mouth. She really shouldn’t care this much, but she thought when he said he wasn’t married he was... at least single. Not that she cares, of course. But, it’s Addison. Her blood boils as she remembers he once slept with her when he was in LA. She can’t really blame him. She’s... perfect. Lexie can’t compete with Addison, can she? Well, not that she’s planning to.

Callie notices her staring and raises her eyebrow, in a _what do you think you’re doing way_. Lexie looks down at her plate. Cristina sees the exchange and puts her fork down in exasperation.

“Addison’s like, married, okay? And Mark... he’s obviously miserable. Just look at him. Left in the altar, left by his... whatever the hell you are to him, and his best friend’s on his back 24/7. I know you’re still in love with him and I’m on your side but don’t do anything if you’re just going to leave him hanging in a few days. This back and forth thing is getting depressing to watch. And besides, like I said, you have Leon.”

“It’s _Liam_.”

“Whatever.”

——

Mark sits in the gallery, watching Callie do a hip replacement surgery. To be honest, he didn’t really give a crap. He just wanted somewhere quiet so he could think. His eyes are fixed on the procedure, but his mind is somewhere else. He sighs as he remembers what happened on Christmas eve.

_Derek gives him an apologetic look when he catches his eye. Everyone started taking their seats in the dinner table, and Lexie has been avoiding eye contact with him ever since her boyfriend showed up._

_What did she even see in him? He knows his type. The guy has been hovering over Lexie the entire night, won’t talk to anyone who isn’t her (which pisses Mark off endlessly because he hasn’t had a chance to talk to her all night) and he’s big on public displays of affection. She looks uncomfortable too, he can tell. The way she smiles awkwardly or how she subtly tries to free herself from his grasp..._

_“Oh crap, I gotta go. 911.” He says as he waves his pager up and walks to the coat rack. Everyone turns to look at him._

_Jackson laughs. “Your pager didn’t even—“_

_Callie glares at Jackson and he stops speaking. Arizona gives Mark a knowing nod. “We’ve got Sofia.”_

_Later that night, Mark hears a knock on his apartment door. He knows it’s Callie or Arizona, coming to talk and “fix” him again. Just like they always did for the past six months._

_He was surprised however when he opens his door and sees that it’s... her. She takes a silent gulp, as she shifts from one leg to another, nervous and unsure. “Hi.”_

_Mark just stares at her. He doesn’t remember how many times he’s imagined this scene right in front of him for the past few months. She bites her lip, and he invites her in with a nod before she gets the chance to overthink and bolt._

_“I... brought you food. I figured you haven’t eaten yet?” She hands Mark a paper bag and he takes it, his eyes never leaving hers for a second._

_The eye contact makes her even more nervous than she already is, and she starts to ramble on. “It’s from the deli, a few blocks away. The one we liked? Uh, I don’t know if you still like it there but I got you most of what I’ve uh, I’ve seen you eat before. When we... when we were together, I mean. Not after, when Meredith and I were stalking you and Teddy. So um... we... you and me... we’re good right?”_

_Mark tries to hide his amusement at the revelation, and thanks her. He puts the food on the counter. He wasn’t really hungry. Not after tonight. “We’re good, Lex.”_

_“We can be friends, right?”_

_He sighs and looks down at his hands. “The thing is, I don’t really—“_

_“We were friends before. Before all of this. We were friends. That was good. We can do that, right?” Her eyes were so hopeful, that it would feel so wrong to tell her he wants more._

_He’s always wanted more. Even when she was an intern, when they were “friends”, he was drawn to her. He’s basically that kid in school who keeps pulling the pretty girl’s hair to get her attention. He teased her just to get to talk to her._

_He nods. Because he misses her and it’s all he could do to get her back to his life. He decided that he’s going to take what he is given, because the last few days before she leaves again is all he has. And being friends is better than being nothing at all._

_So, they spend the entire night talking and catching up, while they sit on the stools by the counter, leaving two empty ones between them. They talk about New York, and surgeries, and that one month Derek, Meredith and Zola all had the chicken pox. She throws her head back laughing and it takes every ounce of his self-control not to pull her into his arms and kiss her._

_She stayed over that night. No sex, just them laughing in bed and sleeping. Even he was surprised. They finished almost three bottles of wine and they were both piss drunk. Lexie rolls over to lay her head on Mark’s chest, giggling as he tells her his last joke for the night. He put his arm around her._

_“I really missed you.” He hears her say before she closes her eyes and falls asleep._

Lexie finds Mark in the gallery, deep in thought. She sits beside him and bumps her shoulder with his. _That definitely brought him back to the present._

She gives him a warm smile and watches the surgery with him. This isn’t hard so far — being friends. Except for the fact that he spent more time with Addison than with her today. Not that she’s jealous, of course.... because she’s not. Or at least, she’s been trying to convince herself she’s not.

She thinks back on Christmas eve. She was just so uneasy after Mark left that she completely forgot about Liam at Meredith’s and instead drove to Mark’s apartment. She remembers feeling lighter and happier than she’s been in a long time, just talking and laughing with him. It’s as if everything in the world made sense again. So, she pretended to be too drunk to drive home, so he insisted she stayed.

Lexie brushes it off as her missing him, which she obviously does. The only off part though, is that she was pretty sure it came out of her mouth then while she was thinking it. But Mark never said anything about it.

She sits with him in silence in the gallery. His hand fidgets nervously, before he stands up and walks to leave. Her brows furrow in confusion. “Mark.”

He rubs his jaw as he turns to look at her. His face was devoid of emotion, almost as if she was nothing to him. Her heart clenches a little.

“We’re... okay, right?” Lexie says, her voice laced with confusion and uncertainty. _Weren’t they friends just a couple days ago?_

Mark just walks out the door, completely ignoring her question.

But she wasn’t having it. She can’t leave for New York with the same bullshit as she did six months ago. She won’t allow it. So she stands from her seat and follows him out.

“There you are!” Liam appears out of nowhere, pulling Lexie into an embrace. “Let’s go?”

She was preoccupied, trying to find Mark’s back in the hallway, but nothing. She was tired. She didn’t want to deal with Liam right now, all she wanted was to talk to Mark. She wanted to know what was wrong. What she did. Because whatever it is, she can fix it. She can fix it and then she’ll have him in her life again, and it would all be okay.

She gives the hallway one last look. _Nothing_. So instead, she fakes a smile at her boyfriend and they walk out of the hospital, hand in hand.

 


	6. Chapter 6

_December 31st, Seattle._

Three days have passed since Mark ignored Lexie at the OR gallery. Since then, he doesn't acknowledge her anymore when they find themselves in the same room, and refuses to make eye contact with her as well. Many attempts have been made by Lexie, to know the root of the problem, but he is giving her nothing but the silent treatment.

Lexie has given up trying, knowing full well that if he doesn't want to talk to her, he never will. She's also come to terms with the possibility of her leaving for New York tomorrow morning with him hating her guts for the next few months. Liam has left yesterday, what with how their hospital was running short of capable neurosurgeons with his and Lexie's absence. After all, the holidays are nothing but accidentpalooza.

It's New Year's Eve and Lexie tagged along with Derek and Meredith to go to the hospital, missing the rush and adrenaline a busy day at the ER usually provides. She was tired of staying in and watching television.

She walks into the ER, watching everyone busy themselves with the patients. Doctors and nurses were running around, doing consults and holding lab results or xrays. This scene calms her. She just sat with the nurses at their station when Mark walks in and writes on a chart right in front of her.

"Hi." She smiles.

He looks at her briefly, before focusing his eyes back on the patient's chart. _Okay, this is just rude._ She opens her mouth to say something again, when an intern comes up beside him and puts her hand on his arm as a greeting, a little too long for Lexie's liking. He gives the intern a smirk before she leaves and he writes back on the chart. It reminded her of them a few years ago. Her stomach twists.

"Who was that, your new girlfriend?" Lexie scoffs and crosses her arms in front of her — a defense mechanism. She's too scared for his reply. If he even replies at all. She directs her eyes anywhere but at him.

"Jealous?" He says silently, almost as if it's a thought that wasn't meant to escape his mouth. He closes his chart, and leans forward to look at her. _Really_ look at her.

He was close enough for Lexie to breathe in his scent. It unnerved her. She tones her voice down, into a whisper. "I left you voicemails. And your voicemail message promised you'd call back. And you didn't. Friends are supposed to return their friends' calls."

Mark sighs and straightens up before putting his pen on his chest pocket and turning to leave. Lexie stands up from her chair, and puts her hand on his arm, ready to stop him if he ever bolts. "I'm leaving tomorrow. Please can we talk?"

He removes her hand from his. "I can't be your friend, Grey. You know what I want out of you. And I know you can't give me that. So don't. I don't wanna hear it one more time. I've had enough rejections this year alone. I get it."

—

Warmth welcomed Lexie as she stepped into Joe's bar alone. Not alot of people were around, since it's 3 in the afternoon and everyone in the hospital were probably in the middle of their shifts. Lexie smiles at Joe as she sits on the stool by the bar.

After her conversation with Mark, Lexie tried to talk to him again but she couldn't find him anymore. She found him a couple hours later talking to Callie and Arizona by the surgical board but Callie steered him away at the sight of her.

How did it all happen like this? Six months ago, he was about to be married, and she _begged_ for him back. He turned her down. And now, she's here, he's completely available and he wants her back, but she's the one who can't. Everyone's looking at her like she's the bad guy. She's only even been here for a week.

Liam is a good man, and Lexie feels secure with him. Things may have progressed pretty fast between them, but it was easy. It was far from the intense love story she and Mark had, but instead it was easy and stable. And he would never hurt her. Perhaps soon enough, she can learn to love him.

Lexie has been picking peanut shells apart into pieces, and blindly throwing them everywhere. She was anxious, and she needed something for her hands to fumble with.

Derek slips into the seat beside her. He just talked to Mark a few minutes ago and knew Lexie would need him. Meredith was already home preparing New Years' Eve dinner with April, and has no idea what happened. "Need a ride home?"

She looks at him, resting her face on her fist. She attempts to smile, but instead silent tears find their way out of her eyes. "I miss him."

Derek puts his hand on her back, in an attempt to comfort her. He hasn't seen her like this since the beginning of the year. This entire holiday trip she has been putting up a facade, trying to look indifferent at every mention of Mark. For a second, he and Meredith thought she has moved on. It worries him to see her back to where she started. He turns to Joe. "How many has she had?"

"Five."

He sighs. Lexie only goes one of two ways when she's drunk - either she laughs and giggles too much or she goes south like this. He helps her up and walks her to his car.

The entire drive home, Derek doesn't know what to do as he steals glances at his sister-in-law, still silently crying her eyes out in the passenger seat. She leans her head on the window, and he rubs her shoulder for comfort. He's grown protective of Lexie over the years, treating her like his own sister. But Mark is his best friend too, and brother, and oftentimes, he doesn't know how to help without taking sides or favoring one over the other.

When he parks the car outside the house, he faces Lexie. "Okay. I know both your sides. I've listened to you talk about each other for years. He loves you, Lexie. And I don't know who this Liam is or what your relationship with him is like, but I know you and Mark. I've known from the moment he threw that first punch at me years ago. Even then, you were not just another girl to him. He fought for your relationship. For years, he fought. While you went on with your life. And when Julia... she made him feel wanted. For a while. And he needed that. You know, after the wedding, you know how long he tried to get your whereabouts from me and Meredith? _Every damn day_. And now, you're here and the second he thinks you two can work it out again, voila! You have a boyfriend. I know you're upset about all of this too, but you can't blame him if he's tired and just wants to start over, Lexie. I'm sorry."

Derek waits for Lexie's response. She is staring at the dashboard, deep in thought. He waits and waits until he was sure she wouldn't say anything anymore.

"I don't want him to start over." She blurts out, just as he was making the move to get out of the car.

He gives her a knowing look. He'd smile if she wasn't looking so... miserable. She finally caved in to her feelings. "Then tell him."

—

Mark drags his feet out of the car and towards Meredith and Derek's front door. The intern he's been fooling around with, Nadine, invited him to spend New Year's Eve with her in her apartment, to hours and hours of sex and champagne. Tempting as it was, he already promised Derek he'd come to their dinner party.

Nadine was a nice distraction from all the things happening between him and Lexie. They've been friends with benefits since his wedding with Julia fell through. He was lost in life, and the only coping mechanism that's ever really worked for him was sex. She was an intern eager to please. She reminded him of Lexie, if he was being honest. Except Nadine never expected anything more from him. It was purely just sex. Friendship came with it sometimes, he'd talk to her about Lexie, and she'd talk to him about the guy she likes. Matt... he thinks?

Meredith opens the door and greets him. He walks inside and looks around. Avery, Kepner and Karev are all here and he says hi to them. She isn't here for some reason, and he relaxes a little.

"Hey, can you put this in the guest room for me? You know how Cristina gets when she's drunk." Meredith says, handing Mark a vase. He assumed he's the only one who hasn't helped with anything yet, so he mutters an _of course_ and does as told.

Mark walks inside the guest room and finds Lexie sleeping on the bed. The room was dark, but his eyes quickly adjusted to the figure curled up just a few feet away from him. He leaves the vase on the bedside table, and moves closer to look at her face.

She looks peaceful. Her brows weren't furrowed, her lips weren't pursed together in frustration. He realizes he hasn't seen her look this vulnerable in a while. Everytime they talk lately, she has put up a wall between them, which he assumes is to protect herself. He's hurt her too much too many times that she puts her guard up and acts like a different person with him. He suddenly feels his heart ache as he tucks strands of hair behind her ear.

He is so in love with her. He is so in love with her, and he can't stop. Even when she left him the first time, even when she told Karev she loved him and she didn't care that Mark was in the room, even when she was affectionate with Avery right in front of him, he loves her. And even when she leaves him again in the morning, he still will. The realization felt like a stab in the gut. This is what it feels to truly love someone. To face pain head-on, if it means she'll be happy.

Her eyelids flutter open and it takes a while for her eyes to adjust into the dark before they focus on him. "Mark?"

With scattered thoughts and overwhelmed feelings, he closes the distance between them and kisses her. Passionate, hungry. His tongue was about to explore her mouth when he notices one thing: she isn't kissing him back at all.

He pulls away to trace her lower lip, afraid he took things too far too fast. His eyes lock with hers and he whispers a quiet apology as he caresses her cheek. They look at each other with dark eyes for almost a full minute, before she locks her fingers into his hair, and pulls him back to her again, her mouth meeting his.


	7. Chapter 7

Lexie lays spent on the bed, her clothes discarded on the floor and her chest heaving with exhaustion. She can’t feel her limbs anymore; she’s completely tangled up in him.

Everything happened so fast. One minute, they were just kissing and then the next, she’s moaning his name and begging for him to take her to her release. It was mindblowing. Everything was so intense that their eyes have been the only form of communication, except when her judgment was so clouded and she would _beg_ , of course. He never took his eyes off her. When he finds his release, Lexie’s heart swells as he whispers her name and his eyes squeeze shut and she knows it’s her own doing.

Mark inches closer and kisses her neck. “Want to go again?” He whispers and she laughs. She pulls him to her and she kisses him. He tastes just like how she remembered. The warmth of his mouth on hers sets her body on fire again.

“We have a dinner party right outside waiting for us.” She says as he bites on her lower lip. Lexie pushes him away gently as she gets up and starts dressing.

He groans at the loss of contact. The guest room has been their little bubble for the past hour and he knows when they step out they’ll have to pretend this never happened. “Please stay.”

She rolls her eyes and laughs at his insistence. She sits on the bed, her back facing him, as she gestures for him to help with the zipper of her dress. “Mark, we have—“

“In Seattle. Stay in Seattle.”

Her body tenses at his words. “What?” She laughs nervously. Her palms start to sweat, and she wipes them on the skirt of her dress.

He drops a kiss on the exposed skin on her back before completely zipping her up. “Stay in Seattle. We’ll figure things out. We’ll be fine. You can finish your—“

“Mark.” She sighs. When he turns to look at her, she’s already at the door. “I have to... M-Meredith, she-I’m... gonna go help out.”

And just like that, she leaves.

—

Everyone is gathered around the living room after the dinner, drowning in separate chitchats. Mark, however, has been drinking his beer in silence. He glances at Lexie from across the room who is engrossed in her conversation with Arizona.

His phone beeps.

_Hey u done there yet? Sex and champagne waiting._

“Ooooooh. Is that Nadine?” Callie says, leaning towards Mark to read the message. “Nice.”

Mark laughs, and puts his phone back in his pocket. “She’s just a friend.”

“Uh-huh.” Her tone was unconvinced. Mark gives her a look and Callie just laughs. “Come on. You’ve been sleeping together for months now. Plus, Arizona and I like her. Give it a try.”

He rolls his eyes at his best friend and just walks towards the fridge to get another beer. He couldn’t tell her about what just happened with him and Lexie. Callie has been strongly against that relationship for a while now, and he understands where she’s coming from. He just wishes she’d shut up sometimes and let him figure things out on his own.

Lexie watches Mark from the corner of her eye. He’s smiling as he’s typing on his phone. She excuses herself from Arizona and walks to his side. “Hi.”

“Ready to talk?” He looks up at her from his phone. Her eyes aren’t focused on him, but instead they’re narrowed on his phone.

She scoffs as she grabs his beer from his hand and takes a sip. “Is that your intern girlfriend?”

“Are you jealous?” Mark says, amused. He puts his phone back in his pocket as she shakes her head in disbelief.

Lexie locks her eyes with his, her voice like a whisper. “Why would you sleep with me if you have a girlfriend?”

“Why would you sleep with me if you have a boyfriend?” He fires back, smirking.

She rolls her eyes at him and couldn’t help but laugh. “Good one.”

Lexie surveys her surroundings before grabbing hold of Mark’s shirt and pulling him to the bathroom. He kisses her once they were alone, their hands lost in exploring each other’s bodies. He was intoxicating. Ever since she gave herself up to him earlier, she couldn’t get hold of any good judgment anymore. And she doesn’t want to. It feels good, being around him. So good, that she opts to push the thought of Liam to the very back of her mind.

She pulls away once Liam popped into her head and holds Mark at an arms-length. She needed to say what she’s about to say next and she catches her breath before opening her mouth.

“I... I can’t move to Seattle. My boards are four months away. I don’t wanna do anything drastic before then. As much as I want to.” She sighs and picks at the collar of Mark’s shirt. “So my plans are, that I finish the four months left of my residency there, take my boards then pack up and do my fellowship.”

He looks at her the entire time she spoke, even when her eyes were looking anywhere but at him. “Do your fellowship here. Under Derek. Please, Lex. For my sanity.”

“Liam wants me to do it in New York. Under him. Mount Sinai has great facilities, and—“

He frowns. “Are you seriously considering this?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” She asks, confused. As far as she knows, all he’s been in the past was supportive of her career decisions. Now, he was different. It was like somebody suddenly flipped a switch on his mood.

Mark backs away from her, and runs his fingers through his hair in exasperation. “God, so we really are back to this.”

“Back to what?” She reaches out to him, trying to reel him back in before he completely pulls away.

“New York! Your _boyfriend!_ Back to being nothing! What is it about him? Why can’t you just let him go and give me a decent chance?” He was starting to raise his voice now, and Lexie flinches.

She tries to keep her voice in a normal volume, hoping it’ll calm him down, although the bitterness in her tone is not lost. “I gave you so many chances, Mark. You can’t just get mad at me for making decisions about _my_ career or _my_ relationships. Liam is a good guy, okay? I like him. He’s alot, but I like him.”

“Then why are you here with me if you like him so much? Why are you here with me, Lexie, if you don’t want me?”

Her heart constricts at his words, at the truth slapped across her face. Pain was written all over Mark’s face, and a single teardrop falls when he blinks. She didn’t know what to say.

“Mark. Please. I’m leaving tomorrow, can we just—“ She reaches for his hand, but he pulls away at her touch.

“I’m done with you.”

Mark turns his back on her and leaves: the house, his worried, questioning friends, and Lexie. The night started differently, they were happy and he thought he was finally getting into her. That he’s finally making her see that she can’t just throw away what they have. Turns out, she is more confused than ever, and she still wants her boyfriend.

It wasn’t even her career decision he was mad about. It was what lay underneath it. What it meant for him. And as far as he‘s concerned, she just chose Liam.


	8. Chapter 8

Lexie stands outside an unfamiliar apartment building in the freezing Seattle air. Her coat was back in Meredith's car, and she can't bring herself to get it. She looks down at the address Arizona wrote down for her in a piece of paper and back up at the building. It was right. She's in the right place. She looks back at the car to see Meredith giving her a reassuring smile.

A couple of hours ago, she was on the bathroom floor, inconsolable. Everyone was trying to comfort her, and asking what was going on but she never answered. It took her an hour before she finally stood up and decided to go talk to Mark. She walked straight out without any word and they all looked at her like she was crazy. It was Arizona who stopped her before she got into her car, shoved a piece of paper into her pocket and said he wouldn't be at his place, but would instead be on this address.

Lexie slowly walks inside the building, and finds the room written down. _408\. Here it is._ With one deep breath, she holds her fist up on the door and knocks.

The door opens and reveals the pretty blonde intern Mark flirted with from earlier at the hospital. She was wearing an oversized Columbia shirt that only reached down to her inner thighs. And no bottoms. She quickly covers her body behind the door at the sight of Lexie. "Oh! I... yes? Lexie, right?"

"Yeah. Is Mark around?" She eyes the intern while speaking, afraid he slept with this one right after he stormed out of Meredith and Derek's.

"He's in the bathroom throwing up." The intern sighs in relief before motioning for Lexie to come in. "I know what I look like, and it's not what you think. I mean, we do have sex sometimes, but we're just friends. I'm... Nadine."

Lexie nods, not knowing what to say. She walks into the open door of the bathroom, and sees Mark leaning on the tiled wall with his eyes closed.

"Hi." She whispers, and sits on the floor beside him. Sweat rolls down the side of his head and Lexie wipes it off with the long sleeve of her sweater.

Her heart breaks at this sight. She is familiar happy drunk Mark, but not with this one. She's never had to deal with drunk, heartbroken Mark. A realization hits her all of a sudden, that she's the one who's broken him one too many times lately, and Callie must've been the one to see him in this state every time. Now she gets why his best friend hates her. Even she hates herself right now.

He opens his eyes to look at her. He blinks a couple times before he finally breaks into silent laughter. "Wow. Nade, I must be soooooo drunk, because you toooootally look like Lexie right now."

Nadine, who is leaning at the door frame, laughs. "Yeah, I'm over here. That's really Lexie. She came for you."

"You're funny." He laughs again, before his face turns sad and he leans his head back on the cool tile and closes his eyes. "She wouldn't... she wouldn't do that."

It felt like a stab in the gut. Lexie had to look away as she wipes a stray tear falling from her face. _What have I done to him?_

"He really loves you, you know." Nadine says, a few seconds into the silence. "It took us forever to clean him up and fix him right after that... little thing you had going on in Christmas eve? He was a wreck. Callie, Arizona and I, we couldn't get him out of bed or get him to go to work for a couple days. We had to call Derek."

Lexie's mouth goes dry trying to take in this information. "But it-it all went well. We were fine after Christmas eve. I mean, we left things on good terms the next morning."

"For you, maybe. But you reminded him of what he couldn't have. It sucks. I don't know you or your boyfriend, but I know Mark. He's a great guy. He doesn't deserve your mixed signals and he definitely doesn't deserve for you to only want him when it's convenient for you. Please, Lexie. Make it right. Because the next time I see him like this again because of you, I'm calling Torres and Robbins and we're kicking your ass."

It took Lexie and Nadine an entire hour to clean up Mark and put him to bed. Lexie told her that Mark would be fine on the couch but Nadine insisted that she doesn't mind sleeping next to him "since they do it all the time". It took every ounce of Lexie's energy to bite her tongue to keep herself from saying something she'll regret.

"So you and Mark, you're... sex friends? Or something?" Lexie says as she goes through her handbag for an Advil to leave for him, while simultaneously trying to fish information out of her.

Nadine chuckles. "Kind of began as a one night stand, then it happened more often. It's just all fun for us, keeps us distracted from the shit going on in our lives. Then we began hanging out a lot and just talked, and now, I guess we're best friends with benefits."

"So you're like the new Callie."

"Yeah. He always felt a bit out of the loop with Callie and Arizona, so... Anyway, I began to really like him, at one point. And when I confessed, he said he's still in love with you. We stopped talking and sleeping together for a while, until it all just got better and we went back to the old routine. Then stopped again when you popped out of nowhere."

Lexie gives Nadine a tight smile as she puts down two Advils on the bedside table next to Mark. "Thanks for looking out for him."

The blonde nods and smiles back. "I really don't mind." They both sat in silence for a while before she speaks again. "Callie hates your guts."

"I know." They both laugh and share a light moment until the conversation led to internships and life.

Lexie remembers Sadie Harris in her. Minus the crazy. She wasn't surprised why Mark was friends with Nadine anymore. She was straightforward and funny. And if the situation was different, she'd be friends with her too.

A couple hours later, Lexie leaves to wash her face in the bathroom. It was almost time to leave for the airport and she has made no progress with Mark since the moment he left Meredith and Derek's. She sighs as she wipes her wet face with a paper towel. _This is really how I'm starting my year._

She grabs her bag from the couch and goes to check on Mark one more time. He was sleeping peacefully, with his right arm hanging off the side of the bed. Lexie leans forward to give him a goodbye kiss on the cheek before running her fingers through his hair one last time.

 —

The harsh sunlight hits Mark's face from the window and he groans. His head was pounding trying to bury his face back on the pillow.

He doesn't remember much of last night. He just remembered knocking on Nadine's door and then everything after that was a blur. He stretches out his arms and legs until his back releases a satisfying crack. This has been routine everytime he sleeps over at her place, because of the cheap mattress that she picked out from god knows where.

He finds the two Advils on the bedside table, and mentally thanks Nadine as he takes them. There was a note under the glass and he reads it.

_Call me when you wake up. Lex_

Lexie? Why would Lexie...? How? The alcohol must've fucked up his brain bad. Or maybe he imagined the "Lex" attached to the message. He looked at the piece of paper one more time and flips it only to find Nadine's apartment's address written in the back.

Mark finds his phone on the floor and quickly calls Nadine. She picks up on the fifth ring and he speaks before she could. "What the hell happened last night?"

"So you found the note." She laughs. "She came by last night. Oh, and she's so much prettier in person. Holy shit?"

He rolls his eyes, impatient. "Nade. Just tell me what happened." He was trying to put back the pieces together starting from when he stepped into this apartment, but nothing comes to mind.

"Fine. She came over and wanted to talk or apologize or something. You were already like really drunk. You had vomit all over. I was embarrassed for you—"

Callie cuts off. "Mark! Get the hell out of bed and get to work! Stop bothering her, we have a surgery to get to!"

And the call gets disconnected. _Damn it._

It was lunch break when Mark finally sees Nadine in the cafeteria. She was sat with one of her intern friends whom he glared at for a full minute before she gets that he's asking her to leave.

"Okay, there isn't much to tell. You got drunk, she came over, she cleaned you up and put you to bed. Stared at you for three hours, that's all. I mean, we did talk, and—"

"What did you talk about?" He says, taking a bite on his apple. What could they possibly talk about? Him?

Nadine rolls her eyes. "Well, she talked to me about her fellowship. Your stupid ass overreacted. All you heard was 'New York' and you started yelling. She knows where she's going, though. And it's not New York. Besides, do you even know how many hospitals want her? It's crazy!"

"She's brilliant. I'm not surprised." He smiles. "Where did she say she's going?"

"Call her if you wanna find out." Nadine winks at him then picks up her tray. She walks to the trash bin and turns around. "Oh, _and_ no being mean! I like her. She's my best friend now."

 — 

Lexie lies down on the only empty bed in the on-call room. She was already tired from her flight that morning, and Liam had two surgeries lined up for her right when she stepped foot in the hospital. She pulls out her flashcards to study and pass the time before she does post-ops.

She tries to study but her mind just couldn't concentrate. Mark should've called her hours ago. It's already 9 in the evening, and she still hasn't gotten even a single message. Maybe he couldn't forgive her anymore. Maybe he wants to move on, for real. Maybe this is the message.

Her phone suddenly vibrates in her lab coat and she almost falls off the bed. She scrambles to find it and presses the answer button.

"Hi!" She says, a bit too loudly and enthusiastically. The other doctors in the on-call room started hushing her and complaining, she had to apologize profusely before stepping out.

"Hey, Lex." She releases a relieved sigh and leans back on the wall outside the on-call room. "I'm sorry, I had back to back surgeries."

"It's fine." She smiles. "How's your... hangover?"

"Better now. Thanks for last night. I really appreciate it."

Lexie nods, forgetting he couldn't see her. "I'm glad. About last night, I didn't mean to... I mean, New York was an option. But I'm... I've decided for a while. I think I'm choosing Shepherd."

She can hear him break into a smile from the other end. "That's... that's good, Lex."

"But don't tell anyone. I still want fruit and candy baskets sent to me from the other hospitals."

"Alright."

"So... we're good now, right? Even though I still want Mount Sinai's candy basket?"

Mark laughs. Lexie's heart swells at the sound. She can imagine him looking down at his shoes in laughter. It usually doesn't take much for her to miss him. The past two days she's had so much of him, that the distance seems nice. Refreshing. Necessary. But that doesn't mean she doesn't want to be curled up next to him again.

"I love you." She suddenly blurts out. She said it in a whisper, but the words seemed so loud in her mind. So loud, that she had to look around to check if someone's heard.

The other end was silent, except for his breathing. "I love you too."

"Baby steps?" She suggests, biting her lips to calm her nerves, hoping it'll somewhat slow down her heartbeat.

"Baby steps."

Two little words, but Lexie's smile was wider than they've been in months, all because of the two little words that lit up her hopes of trying again.


	9. Chapter 9

_January 15th, Seattle._

It has been a couple of weeks since Mark and Lexie decided to give their relationship another try. They're determined to make it work this time, so they both agreed to take it slow. Lexie was honest about her reservations about diving too deep too fast into this relationship and Mark knew she didn't need more distractions before her boards.

Distance hasn't been a problem so far. They've regularly called and texted each other as much as they can. Last week, Mark even had an intern hold up his phone in front of him for three hours during surgery while he Facetimed Lexie.

They fell back into old routine fast, and started acting like an actual together couple again. She'd often call him when she's upset or stressed out or when her neurosurgeon ex was giving her crap. He'd kicked her off his service when she broke up with him, and she cried to Mark on the phone. He offered to call her Chief of Surgery and fix it but she said she'll find a way to deal with it herself. He figured she did, because a couple days later, she was back to cheerily telling him about the big aneurysms she clipped herself.

Mark misses her so badly. He's been planning to take a few days off to fly to New York to see Lexie, but the hospital's still understaffed due to budget cuts and Hunt has them all working doubles.

"So, my friend from New York said that Little Grey is one of the most in demand residents this year. Apparently, she's like the Yang of Neuro. That's amazing." Arizona says at lunch, breaking Mark from his little trance.

He nods in agreement as he takes a bite from his apple. "Mount Sinai offered to give her international rotations and pay off her student loans."

Arizona gasps, putting her fork down. "That... wow. Way to go, Lexie!"

Jackson sets his tray down on the table and Mark and Arizona look at him in surprise. He sits down. "Uh, Doctor Sloan could I take the rest of the day off? I have to fly to New York for this benefit gala tonight. It's an Avery thing."

"New York, huh?"

 — 

Mark steps out of the elevator, holding a bouquet of daisies like an idiot. He tried avoiding the eyes and the slight brush of the shoulder the nurse in the elevator gave him. He usually doesn't mind, but... not today. Not when he's about to throw up from excitement and anxiety. He's only here for three hours, since he's flying back with Jackson after the gala.

He's been here before, so he knows the surgical wing of the hospital well. He may have fooled around with one of the doctors here when he was in med school, who he's sure is the Head of Plastics now.

"Mark Sloan? Is that you?" A tall, blonde doctor gasps at the sight of him. She gives him a hug and he hesitates. "Long time no see!"

Mark smiles awkwardly, and nods. "Yeah, well... I live in Seattle now."

"So I've heard. What are you doing here? Do you wanna operate? I can get you privileges."

"Actually, I'm here to visit my girlfriend. She works here." He waves up the bouquet a little, and smiles a little sheepishly.

Mark was starting to get impatient and just wants to go find Lexie, with what's left of his very limited time. He nods politely at everything the doctor says (he doesn't even remember her name), and excuses himself the first chance he got.

He was walking around when he finds her standing in a nurses' station, talking to someone. She was smiling, her face animated as she makes little gestures with her hands.

"Lex." She froze when she heard his voice and turns to look at him. She just stares at him for a a few seconds before rushing to hug him.

"Oh my god!" She laughs, closing her eyes as she breathes in his scent. "You're here. You're really here!"

Mark smiles, the widest he smiled has all week, and pulls her closer. "I brought you flowers."

"Whaaaat?" Lexie pulls away and takes the bouquet from him. Her face lights up even more. "Daisies are my favorite! You're amazing." She scrunches her nose at him endearingly. Clichés and little gifts were never Mark's thing, so she never got these before. She didn't really mind but she secretly loves them.

"I missed you." He kisses her temple as she instinctively smells the flowers. She looks up at him and smiles. "You happy?"

"Very." She holds his hand and pulls him to the cafeteria.

 —

Lexie throws her head back in laughter.

They're in an on-call room by themselves, catching up on the things they've done the past two weeks and Mark was just telling Lexie about that time he changed Sofia's diaper and she projectile peed onto his face.

"She's so badass. I'd really love to get to know her, if I could." She rests her chin on Mark's chest, her eyes focused on his.

He smiles, pushing strands of hair away of her eyes. "In four months, you can. You'll love her, Lex."

Lexie hums in acknowledgment and lies her head back on the pillow beside him. As soon as they stepped in the room, Mark started taking their clothes off but she refused. His face dropped. She's been celibate for two weeks and she wants — actually, _needs_ — to have sex so bad, but she's sober and thinking straight and just wants to take the relationship slow. She doesn't want to pin her hopes and dreams on it this time by diving in headfirst, just like the last two times, only to find it crashing and burning right in front of her eyes. This time, she wants it done right. To protect her sanity.

"Do you think this could work? The long distance? Flying every couple weeks to see each other?" She looks at him.

A frown starts settling in Mark's face, and he continues to look up at the ceiling. "It's just for a few months."

"But..."

"But nothing. Callie's already doubting us, I can't have you doing that too. Please. We can do this."

A smile teases on her lips before she fully gives in to it. "Okay. I'm sorry."

Mark kisses her hand in response. His confidence on the relationship eased her worries. Lexie remembered being like this the first time they were together, even fighting for what she and Mark have when they were doubted by her father and the other interns in her class.

She was afraid of what she was about to say. It was just a question, but she doesn't want him to flee. She almost whispers it. "What if I decide to do my fellowship somewhere other than Seattle, will we still be okay?"

He looks at her then, eyes laced with confusion and worry. "Do you want to?"

"I don't know." Lexie replies honestly. She knows she wants to go to Seattle, but the other options have given her big offers too.

Mark turns his body towards hers. "Lex. Listen. Do what you have to do. A fellowship's just two years long. I don't want to hold you back. Your career comes first, I know that now. We'll be fine."

She pulls his face towards hers and kisses him softly. "You promise?"

He nods and gives her a reassuring smile. "Just don't forget me when you're some bigshot neurosurgeon."

Lexie laughs, and playfully shoves Mark's shoulder. "It could still be Seattle, you know."

"I know. Mount Sinai may be giving you a trip around the world but Seattle has me. Hard bargain." He smirks, and leans forward to kiss her neck.

Lexie's giggles drowned them back into their little bubble but Mark's phone beeped almost half a minute later, earning a groan from his mouth. He pulls away from her and checked his phone.

Mark sighs and sits up slowly. "I have to go."

"No no no no." Lexie pulls him back to her and kisses him. He laughs into her lips.

The contact brought her back into their little bubble and she wanted to just stay with him in there. It took everything in her to pull away and let him go again. He looks at her, caressing her cheek. He muttered words of comfort, and hugs her tightly.

Lexie knows she was being such a baby, but she couldn't help it. Her chest clenches as she watches him put his shirt back on. Can she just tell him to lie in bed with her all night? Even just this one night?

"I'm glad you came." Lexie says, pulling her legs closer to her chest and hugging them. It's a thing she does to protect herself when her emotions get too much for her. "Thank you."

"I'm glad I did too." Mark turns to face her, smiling. He notices her stance and rubs her knees to comfort her. His fingers find their way through her hair and he kisses her forehead. "Walk me out?"

Lexie gratefully smiles at the suggestion of more time together, so she picks up her flowers from the ground and holds his hand. Her group of friends looked at her as she passed by them, their eyebrows raised. She rolls her eyes and pulls Mark to them. "Oh! Hold on. These are my New York friends."

"Oh! You must be Lexie's Seattle boyfriend." One of them says, offering her hand out for Mark to shake.

" _Non_ -boyfriend." Lexie corrects and glares at one of her friends who countered with a yeah right.

Mark laughs and shakes each of her friends' hands. "Mark Sloan. Lexie's Seattle non-boyfriend."

Their eyes all pop out of their sockets. He's lived and worked in New York most of his life, and he kind of is a bigger name in the east coast than he is in the west coast.

" _The_ plastic surgeon Mark Sloan?! Oh my god?! Lexie!"

Lexie laughs and pushes Mark away from her friends and towards the elevator. "That was Heather. She wants to be a plastic surgeon so bad, she idolizes you. She's gonna kill me."

The elevator dings open and they're on the lobby, all in what felt like a blink of an eye. Jackson waved at Mark by the front doors of the hospital and they stop in their tracks.

"I guess... this is it." Mark sighs before pulling her into his arms and she closes her eyes. "I love you."

"I know. I love you. Text me when you're home, okay?" Lexie picks at the collar of his leather jacket. His eyes were locked with hers when he nodded.

Mark just stood there for a minute, looking at her, not making a move. Her eyes were starting to gloss over with tears. He didn't want to leave. Seattle and surgeries suddenly sound so unappealing to him now.

She forces a smile and kisses him for the last time before letting him go. "Go. Before I change my mind and keep you here."

Mark laughs, kissing her cheek before turning to leave.

As the car drives out into the main road, he watches Lexie stand as she wipes a tear away. He sighs deeply. It was hard on her to watch him leave and he mentally scolds himself for coming to New York and throwing her whole emotional balance off. He could almost jump out of the car and stay with her until her residency's over.

Four months. Four more months, and he has everyday with her. He decided he'll hold on to that to get through, even though he knows deep inside that what'll happen in four months holds no guarantee.


	10. Chapter 10

“Grey! What the hell are you still doing standing there? Go! Move!”

A hard shove pushes Lexie back into the present. An intern passed by her in a hurry, almost knocking her down to the floor. Luckily, she was able to hold on to another intern beside her.

A big trauma just came in, and she ran towards the doors of the ER, hoping to get a small case. She was almost done clocking surgical hours before the boards, and she wanted a light load for today. If she gets to scrub in on a big one (at least 8 hours), her requirements for her last year of residency would be done. But not today. Today, she’s going home.

The chief agreed to let her off for an entire weekend, seeing as how she is ahead of the rest of the people in her year. She planned to just study for her boards at first, but this weekend was also Zola’s birthday so she got herself a plane ticket out of impulsivity. It was also her turn to surprise Mark, whom she hasn’t seen since he flew to New York... two months ago.

(She couldn’t put the blame entirely on him, though. She’s been flying all around the country doing interviews for her fellowship.)

They’ve kept contact and talked as much as they can (which got cut to only three times a week now) and she misses him. Lexie went home and cried herself to sleep when he left, even crying to him on the phone when he called to say he was home. Perhaps that made Mark worry because he hasn’t come to visit since, and god knows he doesn’t do anything but watch television on his day offs. She’d often tell him to come so he could show her around New York, but he’d just laugh and bring up a different topic.

He didn’t throw her off her game by coming to visit... not really. Okay, maybe he did. She may have cried for a few days (she missed him so much she felt lonelier than the first time) and went off her flashcards (she couldn’t focus), but for Lexie, she would say it’s her fault, for not getting a grip on her emotions. But what can she do? She’s never done long distance relationships before and she definitely wants to make this work. God knows that if she loses him again, she wouldn’t make it.

“Grey, take this one. You’re gonna have to make bur holes to relieve the pressure and take him in to do a craniotomy. Surely, you’ll do fine flying solo?”

Lexie didn’t know what to reply. Liam was looking at her, waiting for her to say something. How could she possibly say no? Nobody in their right mind says no to a superior. And not to a solo craniotomy. Besides, this could be her first unsupervised surgery. “I...”

The chart got handed over to her, and she looked at the time before rushing over to the patient. 4 hours before she had to leave for the airport. She could make it if she’s quick.

—

Lexie steps out of her Uber and lugs her suitcases behind her. Her excitement was through the roof, causing her to smile ridiculously wide. She takes a deep breath and calms herself before knocking on the front door.

It took a while before someone came to open the door. Derek paused before his face breaks into a huge smile and he hugs Lexie. “Hey, what are you doing here?”

“Surprise!” She laughs, hugging him back. She was relieved somebody was home. The entire drive over she was debating whether to go straight to the house or go to the hospital first. She chose the house, and she got lucky. Waiting outside in the cold wouldn’t have sounded so good. “I’m home for the weekend!”

Derek invites her in and gets her suitcases. It was 2am, so he gestures for her to be a little quiet. “Meredith’s asleep, but she’ll kill us if we don’t wake her up for this.”

Lexie almost squeals and goes straight to the master bedroom. She hasn’t seen Meredith in three months. They talk often, but she missed her. Since Molly has moved to another continent, she’s gotten closer to her other sister, coming to her for almost anything.

Meredith is sleeping peacefully on the bed, her leg hanging off the side. Lexie moves towards her sister and pinches her nose. Meredith’s eyes fly open and she sits up almost right away.

“What the he— Lexie?! Oh my god!” She pulls her sister in for a tight hug. “I missed you so much!”

Lexie smiles and hugs back, wiping a tear from her eye. This was really comforting for her. She had no one in New York that she trusts as much as she does the people here, and most days, she really needed her sister. “I really missed you too, Mer.”

Meredith pulls away and narrows her eyes at her sister. “Is everything alright? You didn’t break up with Mark, did you?”

“No! God, no.” She laughs despite the shiver the thought came with. “Speaking of... I have to go say hi to him. Can I just put my stuff in my room?”

“Guest room, Lexie.” Meredith rolls her eyes at her sister, even though they did have that room built for her. “And no. Someone’s... in there.”

Lexie frowns in confusion, and waits for her to continue speaking.

“My... other sister. Yeah, I have a new sister. Maggie. She... moved in and took the room.”

Meredith and Cristina hazed Lexie for an entire year before completely taking her in, let alone letting her move in. How this “new sister” got to do that in three months baffled her. She’d ask about that, but first things first.

“What? Where am I supposed to sleep now?” She crosses her arms, hoping Meredith would feel bad for her.

Her sister smiles apologetically and pats the side of the bed beside her. “Well...”

Lexie gives her sister a look, ignoring her suggestion. Meredith would never say it out loud, but she acts like Lexie’s still a kid (it doesn’t work well for her in arguments) and that annoys her.

“No. I’ve been gone three months and already I’ve been replaced!” She rubs her face with her hands and eyes Meredith. “I’ll be back. And I’m not giving up my room.”

She calls a cab and waves at Derek on the way out.

—

“Am I ugly? Is that it?”

Nadine looks at him intently, holding the bottle of wine closer to her chest. She came over to “hang out” with Mark but she ended up telling him her life story and her relationship problems. At first, he participated with the drinking and listened, but now he was getting really sleepy. He hid the rest of his wine and scotch bottles when she went to the bathroom.

“No, you’re not ugly. Shut up.” Mark says, rolling his eyes at her. He tries to take the bottle of wine from her but she resists.

She wraps an arm around his neck, and looks at him. “You’d totally have sex with me if I asked, right?”

“You know we’re not that kind of friends anymore. I have Lexie.” He laughs and playfully pinches her nose. They’re similar that way. Using sex and alcohol as coping mechanisms, hoping they’d one day fix them.

“She doesn’t even wanna have sex with you. You’ve been celibate for months!” Nadine teases. She nudges him and laughs when he does.

“Okay now I can’t tell you things if you can’t keep your mouth sh—“

Nadine interrupts him with a kiss on his lips. He froze, unsure of what to do. He pulls away then, holding her away from her. “Nade...”

“Did that turn you on?” Mark realizes that she’s still drunk and unaware of what she’s doing. Her eyes were drooping a little, and from the millions of times they’ve gotten drunk together, that can only mean one thing.

He is silent when he helps her up, ignoring the goosebumps that traveled across his body when she kissed him. What was he supposed to tell her? That it didn’t? Because it did. Yes, he has been celibate for months and a single sloppy kiss turned him on. But he’s not doing that to Lexie. He’s never ever going to do that to Lexie.

“Wash up. I’ll drive you home.” Mark says as he closes the door to the bathroom and leaves Nadine inside. He starts looking in the drawers for some clothes that she may have left behind when she stayed over before.

A knock suddenly startles Mark and he walks over to the door, expecting Callie or Arizona to ask for something, but instead found the one person he never would’ve guessed it would be.

Lexie was anxiously tapping her foot on the floor while waiting for Mark to come open the door. She didn’t expect him to look confused when he did. It took him five seconds to make sure he wasn’t just imagining her. She knew, from the way his eyes squinted a little, and the little gasp that escaped from his mouth. When gave him a warm smile, he scooped her up in his arms, so tight and for so long that she couldn’t breathe.

“You... wow... you...” He says when he pulls away, unable to form a coherent sentence. He kisses her instead, soft and deep and intense all at the same time. The longing was too much, much too much to put into words.

Lexie pulls away, her breathing ragged. Her eyes were still closed, trying to savor the moment, trying to just take in the feel of his lips on hers. When she opens her eyes again, Mark was looking at her, his face just inches from hers.

“You okay?” He whispers, and she nods.

Her shirt was discarded on the floor when she kisses him again, their mouths urgent with need. His tongue dips into her mouth, and her taste sends his body into complete frenzy and he wasn’t thinking clearly anymore. His mind, his body, everything was just focused on her.

He doesn’t know how but he finds himself sitting on the bed with Lexie straddling him. His hands roamed around her bare skin, exploring old territory. He kisses her jaw down to her neck as his fingers unclasp her bra with one swift flick.

Lexie giggles, her hands working on his belt. Her one knee slips on a dark piece of fabric and it almost falls to the floor. She catches it with her hand and looks at it, all color leaving her face at the realization.

The bathroom door adjacent to the bedroom suddenly opens and steam floods in. A voice, who Lexie recognized as Nadine’s, calls out. “You coming in?”

Mark freezes from his spot on the bed. Lexie jumps off of him, her face unreadable. It was all just getting to her now. The lacy underwear, the girl in the shower. Did he have sex with someone before she came in? Oh god. She couldn’t believe this is happening. This couldn’t be happening!

The room started spinning right in front of her. Mark was closing in on her and she felt her heart jump to her throat. She couldn’t breathe. She needed to get out of there. She hurriedly picked up her shirt and tossed it back on.

“Lex. Lex, no. This isn’t what you think it is. Let me explain.” Mark says, his hand reaching out for hers.

“Oh my god,” was all Lexie could manage to say as she hurriedly gets her things, not sparing a single glance at Mark. Just as she was about to get to the door, he hugs her from behind.

“Get off of me!” She tries to take his arms off her but she couldn’t. “How... how could you do this to me? After everything?”

“I’m not... I didn’t do anything! It’s just... Please let me explain. Nadine...”

Lexie continues to fight him, to try and take his arms off her until she just stopped, realizing he wouldn’t. When she didn’t move anymore, he let her go.

“Nadine what?” Her voice was silent when it came out. Suddenly, the exhaustion from what she dealt with the entire day weighed on her shoulders. She didn’t have the energy to fight anymore. Not today. “Explain it, please. I want to understand. I want to understand so I can go.”

“Lexie.” Mark looks at her, sighing dejectedly. “She came over for drinks, okay? She got drunk and I asked her to go clean up. Nadine’s drunk. I never slept with her, I promise. I wouldn’t do that to you. _Ever_.” He puts both hands on the sides of her face, trying to make her understand.

“Okay.”

“Okay?” Confusion is written all over his face. He expected her to yell, to argue, to fight. But none of it came. He couldn’t read her eyes anymore.

Lexie sighs, turning away slowly. “I’m tired. I’ll just... see you tomorrow, okay?”

She walks out of the apartment without another glance at him, slamming the door behind her. She doesn’t know how, or if she walked all the way back at 3 in the morning, but she found herself at Meredith and Derek’s house again.

Lexie wasn’t angry. She knew it in Mark’s eyes that he was telling the truth. But everything today has been too much for her, and she couldn’t handle another thing. She needed to step back and reassess her choices. The life-changing decision about her fellowship is to be made in a month. She needed to decide fast. Is she really gonna move back next month? Is Seattle still worth it?

Her suitcases were left in the living room and she just changed her clothes there. She felt out of place now. In this house, in Meredith’s life, probably even in Mark’s too. Now she’s left wondering if Seattle’s really for her. If there’s anyone for her to come home to anymore.

She quietly tiptoes into the master bedroom and slides down under the covers beside Meredith. Her sister wakes at her presence and scoots over towards Derek before wrapping an arm around Lexie. “Is everything alright?”

“No.” She whispers back a minute later, and Meredith strokes her hair until she falls asleep.

 


	11. Chapter 11

"Lexie! Breakfast, quick."

"I'm coming!" She shouts back, putting her hair up in a ponytail. Zola comes in the bathroom and says something incoherent to her. Lexie smiles, and picks her up. "Hey, birthday girl."

Meredith was somehow all over the kitchen and the dining area, and Lexie had to watch in confusion. Her sister doesn't cook. She puts a plate of eggs, bacon and pancake on Lexie's usual spot on the table. "Don't you guys worry I didn't cook. Derek did."

"Mer! You know I'm allergic to eggs." Lexie sighs in annoyance and puts Zola down on the seat beside hers. She takes her plate and shoves all the eggs on to Derek's plate.

Her sister glares at her and swats her hand away. "Lexie! Stop it! That's not yours. That's Maggie's."

"What? This is my spot."

"Not anymore."

Lexie's shoulders slump down and she releases a humorless laugh. "Right." She stands up and gets herself a cup of coffee. Her New York routine suddenly sounded more appealing.

Derek hands over the coffee pot to Lexie, giving her a kiss on the top of her head. She smiles at him. "Mark called to ask if you got home safely last night. What happened?"

"It's... complicated. I don't wanna talk about it." Her fingers tapped on the counter anxiously, thinking of a change in topic before her brother-in-law badgers her on. "I think I like Barrow. In Arizona."

He was about to drink his coffee when she said that, and he had to put his mug down. "I thought you've decided you were going to do your fellowship here."

"Just considering my options." She attempts to give him a reassuring smile. He smiles back, so she assumed she pulled a good one.

Lexie went to Barrow last week for her interview and she liked it there. The hospital and the program, not the heat. She never liked the heat.

Derek glances at her again before taking a sip from his mug. "Whatever it is that's bothering you, you know you can talk to me, right?"

The smile that crosses her face this time was genuine. She gives him a nod. Derek has always been a good older sibling to her, often standing up for the job when Meredith couldn't. She could tell him, but she didn't want to cause problems. Not when she is just about to decide. Because surely he'll tell Mark and her sister, even though she's gonna say that she's just _thinking_ of it.

Lexie gulps down the rest of her coffee and waves goodbye to everyone before Maggie comes out of her room and her jealousy could ruin her day.

—

A storm was brewing in the distance as Mark steps out of his apartment building and into the cold air, his hands stuffed inside the pockets of his leather jacket. He was turning towards the direction of the hospital when he sees Lexie leaning by the brick wall of the building. She didn't notice him step out, she seemed too preoccupied watching something on the other side of the street.

"Lex. Hi." He walks over to her and she straightens up and gives him a tight smile. "It's cold out here, you should've come in."

"It's fine. I didn't wanna... I mean, if she's still in there, I don't want to, um... Here's fine." She looks down at her shoes before glancing back at him.

He knew better than to continue with the subject, because Nadine was, indeed, still up there, passed out on his bed. His back was sore from the couch, and he barely slept because of what happened. Lexie was back, and instead of enjoying what little time they have together, timing has somehow toyed around with them again.

"I'm on my way to work. Will you walk with me?" Mark offers. She nods and they start heading to the hospital. "About last night..."

Lexie shakes her head, and laughs humorlessly. "No, I... I get it. She's your best friend."

Lexie was silent after the small exchange, and she stood almost an entire foot away from Mark. He steals glances at her from time to time, watching as she tries to rub her hands together every now and then for warmth. It was until he couldn't resist that he put his arm around her and took her hands in his. The sudden contact made her release a little gasp. "God, Lex. How long did you stand out there in the cold?"

He puts her hands in the pockets of his jacket, and she rests her cheek on his chest. Lexie breathes him in and closes her eyes for a second as they keep walking. "An hour or so."

Mark looks down at Lexie's face and pulls her closer to him. "Well, did you at least see something good?" She's an observer and people-watching is what she does when she's bored, and as much as she'd deny it, saying it's "a bad trait", Mark knows.

"No, I was too busy trying to keep down Derek's soggy pancakes from this morning." She laughs softly, and Mark does too, the sound comforting her in an instant.

Lexie looks up at him and smiles. Sometimes, it scares her how he has her on the palm of his hand. One smile at her and she's gone. All the self-control just leaves her, and she's wrapped around his finger again. It's terrifying.

What's even more terrifying that she can't see herself without him anymore. They've been through so many things together, they've been pulled apart a million times, and she doesn't think she can survive another cycle of that. Her future, as much as she wants it not to, is somehow revolving around him now too.

"I miss you. And I... I really need someone right now. Can we talk?" They stop just outside the front doors of the hospital and Lexie looks at him, hopeful. She desperately needs him to soothe her concerns, to tell her everything she needs to hear. With the pressure of her upcoming boards and everything happening at home, she needs him.

Mark opens his mouth before closing it again. He takes another second, and he finally speaks. "I... I can't lie. We kissed. Nadine, she kissed me last night. Before you came in. But that's it. It didn't mean anything. I just want you to know."

 _Way to kill the mood_. Lexie's smile disappears and suddenly feels like she's carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders again. She asked for a sign today. Anything at all to give her the push to stay in Seattle. The universe gave her the opposite. "Okay."

Mark's eyes were still watching her, concerned. "I have a surgery in ten minutes, but after that I'm free."

"No, it's fine. I'll... I'll find someone." Lexie gives him a tight smile before turning to walk away.

She takes a deep breath and pulls out her phone to type an email.

—

Music and laughter filled Lexie's ears as she entered Derek and Meredith's house later that night. Zola's birthday party has already started, and some of her older daycare friends were running around the house, their shoes making little beeping noises.

She walked around Seattle all day, just to clear her mind and think. The email she typed out for Barrow was unsent. She just couldn't do it. Not yet.

The little girl whom she identified as Sofia was sitting on a high chair on the far corner of the room, being fed by Cristina. Lexie walks over to her and nudges the already-frowning woman. "She spits up everything I feed her, but she willingly puts her toys inside her mouth. Look!"

Sofia spits out a piece of carrot, as if on cue, and Lexie laughs. Cristina shoves the tiny bowl of the baby's food into Lexie's hands and she was about to object when Cristina held up a finger in front of her. "You're the dad's girlfriend, that's your kid by association. I'm gonna go get drunk."

"I'm not his girlfriend." Lexie mumbles and puts the bowl down to pick up Sofia from the high chair. Her curled hair seems to be appetizing enough for the kid, as she shoves a tiny fistful of them into her mouth.

"Sof, no!" Mark suddenly pops out of nowhere and takes Sofia from Lexie's arms. It took everything in her to not reach out to him and touch him, kiss him, but she knows everything can't be well just from the way that one glance was his only acknowledgment of her presence.

He gives his daughter a stuffed tiger and keeps his eyes on her as he speaks. "So... Barrow huh?"

There was a hint of bitterness in his voice and it was obvious he was trying to hide it from the way he cleared his throat right after saying it.

Derek did tell him. Lexie licks her lips and observes him for a second. She rubs her already sweaty palms on her pants before tickling Sofia's little arm. "Yeah, um... I went there last week and I liked it. They're my top choice right now."

"I thought you said you were moving back here." His eyes were still glued to his daughter, but it was evident that he was getting annoyed.

"I thought you said I'm allowed take my fellowship anywhere."

"That's when I thought you were sure it was gonna be Seattle."

"Yeah, well not anymore."

They lock eyes in frustration, both unafraid to snap back and say something they'll regret. Mark sighs. It takes him a while to soften up and put his hand on Lexie's face. "Lex. I can tell something's wrong. I'm here now. Talk to me. I miss you."

"Heeeey, look who's here!" April suddenly runs up to Lexie and gives her a hug. She was one of the only people she kept contact with aside from her family and Mark. They've grown quite close over the past few months, sharing patient stories and relationship problems over the phone.

Lexie gets pulled away from Mark and into the arms of her other old co-workers. She says hi to all of them, even to the new ones that they've just introduced to her. When she looks back to where Mark was, he was gone. She excuses herself from April and her friends, and finds him outside, walking to his car.

"You're leaving?" She walks towards him in the cold, completely forgetting about the coat she left inside. The top she was wearing was skimpy enough as it is, leaving her to wrap her own arms around herself for warmth.

Mark turns around to look at her, before pressing the open button on his car keys. "Just a cupcake run. Sofia tipped over the cupcakes on the table and they all fell, I have to get new ones. Get back inside, Lex. It's cold."

Lexie runs and gets inside the car as he did, leaving Mark surprised. He only looks at her for a second before shoving his keys in and starting the car. They were silent for the most part of the drive, except for the occasional glances Mark would give her every now and then.

She knew she'd have to talk to him. He has always been her best friend, even from the beginning. The only person she can talk to about literally anything. Meredith used to laugh at her and asked what she would do when she and Mark break up and she has no one to talk to about her problems, and Lexie would just say she'll be fine.

Then it happened. They broke up once, twice, (thrice, if you count Mark's wedding), and she lost not only her boyfriend but also her best friend. It used to bug her that there were things he could tell Callie and not her, and it took her a while to understand. He recovered quicker than she did after every breakup, probably because he had a support system, and she didn't. Well, she did, but she kept it all to herself instead, only wanting him to be there for her. That's why it matters so much for her to have him, always. He's the only one who could calm her down, keep her in check.

The car stops right in front of a cupcake store and Lexie pulls Mark to her before he could get out of the car, and kisses him. It was short, but sweet, and somehow gave her every bit of reassurance she needed. She runs her fingers across his cheek when she pulls away, licking her lips. "I love you."

Mark smiles at her words. He smiled like it was the first time she's said it. All at once, everything that was wrong with them was erased, forgotten. "Cupcakes." He says quietly, earning a laugh from Lexie. She lets him go, then, and he steps inside the shop.

Mark comes back a few minutes later, handing Lexie the boxes. She puts them in the backseat, and clears her throat a couple of times before he turns to look at her. "Would you like to move to Arizona with me?"

"What?" He looks at her, shocked. Of all the things she could start with, this wasn't one that crossed his mind.

She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes before saying it again. "Would you like to move to Arizona? With me?"

Mark could almost laugh at how the air between them feels like. He didn't know what to say without hurting her. "I... Lex, I can't. I have a daughter. Sofia lives here."

"You could take turns with Callie and Arizona every few months. We could fly her out for visits. It's just a few hours away. It's fine." She says, hopeful. Her eyes never leave his, hoping she'd understand what she's saying to him.

"That's... no." Mark knows her, better than anyone. The thing about Lexie was that the things she does is often not of logic, but more so dictated by her emotions. There was always an underlying reason to everything she does. "What's this really about, Lexie?"

She sighs dejectedly and leans her head back on the seat. Her fingers fidget anxiously, and he holds them, rubbing his thumb on the back of her hand to comfort her. "I don't belong here anymore. I... I wanted to come home for the people here. But Mer... has a new sister. And you... you have Nadine..." She holds her finger up as Mark opens his mouth to interject. "I know. She's your best friend. I just... The point is, I feel like I could leave and you all have someone to take my place. My place in your lives is all filled in and I've been replaced and I don't know where to fit myself in anymore."

"Lex. Lex, look at me." Lexie looks at him, and sighs deeply. "We all want you to come back. I can't count the number of times I've heard Meredith bring you up to conversations or say 'Lexie would love this' over the past few months. She misses you. Constantly. And Maggie... if anything, you too have gotten yourself a new sister. Give her a chance."

He's right, Lexie thought. She nods silently, squeezing his hand. The smile from her face is growing. This is exactly what she needed.

"And you and me... God, I love you, Lexie. You are the love of my life. I can't lose you again. Stay with me. You belong here with me."

She couldn't stop her smile then. Her whole entire face was beaming, and it's all his doing. The gap between them closes as she kisses him passionately. How he could calm her down with a few words, she'll never know. But he was right. This is where she belongs. In his arms, with him. Nothing else matters.

Mark pulls away when his phone starts to vibrate and releases a laugh when he reads the text. "Time to head back. Meredith's panicking." He smiles at her, his thumb tracing her bottom lip. "Are you okay now?"

Lexie nods.

The entire drive back, all they both did was talk and laugh. They've never run out of things to talk about, even from day one, and that has always attracted them even more to each other. Mark threw in a couple of review questions from time to time, making sure she was still on the right track before her boards.

Meredith was in the front yard, giving them nasty looks when they stepped out of the car and handed over the cupcakes. "I swear to god if you had sex in that car with the cupcakes just a few inches away, I will kill you both."

Lexie laughs at her sister and playfully shoves Mark away from her. He laughs too and whispers into her ear. "Perhaps we should have."

—

It was almost midnight when Lexie finished cleaning up the house. The guests left hours ago and Meredith and Derek both left her to clean up, saying they both have early shifts in the morning. Mark was asleep on the couch, his arms wrapped around a throw cushion.

"Babe. Time to go home." She whispers, giving him a kiss. He has work tomorrow, and she insisted that he should go home hours ago but he said he'll stay a little bit more.

Mark opens his eyes and sits up. "I'm sorry. I'm so tired, I must have fallen asleep. Is Sofia...?"

"Arizona brought her home."

He nods, still appearing to be half asleep. Lexie sits beside him, and leans her chin on his shoulder. "I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah. Drive safe, okay?" She stands up as soon as he did and walks him to the door. Mark kisses her one last time and she smiles into his lips. The hug he gives her right after was so tight, it made her miss him already.

Lexie wanted to come home with him, but they both agreed that they won't be able to help themselves, they'll just end up having sex until the sun comes up, and that wouldn't be good for tonight. He has a big cutting-edge, highly publicized surgery in the morning and he needs as much rest as he can get.

"Sure you don't wanna come home with me?" He says when he's just a few feet away from his car.

"Sure you wanna fall asleep during surgery and embarrass yourself in front of your colleagues because you had sex with your girlfriend all night?"

Mark raises his eyebrow, and smiles even wider than he has. " _Girlfriend?_ We're finally there?"

"We're finally there." Lexie smiles, biting her lip. She leans towards the doorframe and crosses her arms in front of her, watching as he opens the car door with a smug grin. "Good night, Mark."

"Night, Lex."


End file.
